A Letter to 2019

Dear 2019, what the f*** just happened.

I didn’t think it was possible to have the best year of my life and the worst year of my life all at once, but 2019, you have been a year of proving me wrong. 

I’m strong but I am broken. I’m happy but I am sad. I’ve felt the highest of highs and the lowest of lows all in the space of just a few months. But I’ve survived everything you threw at me. Bad times don’t last and it doesn’t rain forever - even though it feels like it sometimes.

I’m going into 2020 as a full time business owner - something I’ve dreamed about for so long. I wanted to leave my job in March, but it wasn’t until the end of November that I finally had the courage to take the plunge and close that door. It’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done, but at the same time I finally feel like I’ve found my place and I’m on the right path. 2019, you have showed me I’m stronger than I think and that if I put in the hard work, good things will come to me. 

I struggled so much with imposter syndrome starting my side hustle earlier this year. I felt like no one would ever pay me to help them with their social media, I wasn't good enough. Even when I finally started getting paid clients, I thought I’d tricked them into believing I was better than I really was. Now nine months into this business, I have had the most incredible feedback from so many clients and I truly see the value I bring to this space. I know I can help people grow their business and I’m good at my job!

2019, you have also taught me what real heartbreak feels like. The kind of heartbreak where you feel as if you could never love someone again, that you will never be ok again. But in a time of immense sadness, I have also never felt so loved. My parents, my sister, my Aunties, my WD colleagues, my friends... to all of you, I need to say thank you. It’s through the hardest times in life that you realise who your real friends are. Everything you have done for me this past month, no matter how big or small, has saved me. 

Thank you 2019, for letting me have my heartbroken because it’s also shown me how strong I am. In the words of Kelly Clarkson (sorry not sorry for this cheesiness), what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. I wish I could hit the fast forward button through the pain and find out those reasons now, but I can’t. However, I trust that I’m going to come out the other side of this a better person. Time alone really does give you a chance to deeply reflect on what’s going on in your life. I’ve been given an opportunity to put all the love I was giving to my relationship of seven years and redirect that towards myself. I can be selfish and think only about me for the first time in a very long time. And already it’s changing me for the better and has given me the opportunity to look at my weaknesses and the areas I’d like to improve in my life . Sometimes, we need to lose someone we love in order to truly love ourselves. I still believe in love and no matter what happened in 2019, that will not change. I know all the pain I have been through these past few months will only make my future relationships stronger and turn me into a better partner for the next man in my life.

I’m grateful to you, the year 2019, that amongst the sadness you have still given me so much to live for. I’m grateful for my health, for the roof over my head, the food available to me, the ability to move my body, the ability to ride my bike, to drive a car, the ability to fly away to Bali when it all got too much…. The list goes on, I’m endlessly grateful. It’s these little things we do everyday that we should never take for granted. I’m incredibly lucky to have the life I have today. Although my heart still aches, I’m one of the lucky ones. I live an incredible life with so much possibility at my fingertips. 

2019 you tried to break me, but here I am. The road ahead is going to be tough (don’t be surprised if you see me crying at the bus stop in the next few months) but there is so much opportunity in my future. I’m sitting here writing the end of this blog post watching the sun set over the ocean up North in Whananaki. There’s something about staring at the ocean that makes you realise how big the world is, that there is so much out there to see. 

Thank you 2019 for everything. And as for 2020? I can’t wait to see where I’ll be watching the sunset on the last day of this new year a head.

xx Ellen